I Am A Fighter with the "Eye of the Tiger"!

Going back to chemo, when I was diagnosed with Stage IV was kind of intimidating to me.  I had previously had a severe allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs during my Stage III treatment.  Whenever you try a new protocol or new medication, it is frightening, but even more so when you have had a problem with one in the past.  But, I tried to put my "brave" face on and got in the car with my husband to drive to the Oncology center.  Just as we were about to back out of the driveway, our youngest daughter came running to the car window and handed me a special CD that she had made for me.  It was wrapped in a note with a picture she had drawn of boxing gloves and the first song title on the CD was "The Eye of the Tiger" from the movie "Rocky".  She  knew exactly what I needed to give me the strength for the fight ahead.  The songs on the CD made me laugh, cry, and get in the right mind set.  I am eternally grateful!  And, by the time I got to the treatment center, I was "psyched" and ready to fight.  

Attitude is EVERYTHING when it comes to getting through the long hours at the treatment center.  I really try to have a positive attitude and keep a smile on my face.  My husband usually accompanies me to my treatments, along with his cell phone and iPad, so he can get some work done even though he isn't at his office.  We are usually pretty well behaved and quiet, as there are other people in the cubicles around us receiving their treatments.  Some people like to sleep, others read, and a few watch the televisions that are on the wall in each space.  Well, on two occasions, my husband was out of town, so I had a friend take me to chemo.  Let's just say that "girls just want to have fun"and sometimes we can't control ourselves when we get together.  Both times my friends and I talked, reminisced about things we have done together, and shrieked with laughter!   By the time we left, the nurses were just shaking their heads.  I was expecting  a "slap on the wrist" and to be told that  I would have to find a new treatment center because I had been disruptive.  But, I can tell you from experience that "laughter really is the best medicine"!

My niece came to visit us while I was going through my treatments.  After she left, I was doing laundry and realized she had left behind a pair of superhero sleep shorts.  A friend of mine had given me a mug that has a caption on it that reads "The chemo made me do it!" which I drank my morning coffee from everyday.  My daughter and I decided it would be funny to take a picture of me wearing the boxers, holding my mug, and doing my best impression of a superhero.  We sent the photo to my niece telling her I had "rescued" her boxers.  I always try to live by the adage that it's okay to laugh at yourself, which has gotten me through some pretty tough times.  

That reminds me of the beginning of this journey...the original chemo drugs they put me on had several annoying side effects.  One was being unable to touch anything cold with your hands or be in a cold environment or even drink a cold beverage...it felt like I was suffering from frostbite!  I remember going to the grocery store in the middle of Summer with a pair of Winter gloves and a scarf in my purse.  I had to put them on to grab things from the refrigerated and frozen cases.  Let me tell you, I got some pretty strange stares from other customers!  (I just giggled and went on about my business.)  I am still expecting to see myself included on some crazy YouTube video posted by a passerby entitled "Weird People Doing Everyday Activities" or something to that effect.  Lol!  

If you can't laugh at yourself, who can?  I have come to the conclusion that having a sense of humor is essential in staying strong enough to fight this ugly disease.  So, if you see me wearing a pair of boxing gloves, or a parka in the middle of Summer, or in the car with the windows rolled down/radio blasting singing "I've Got The Moves Like Jagger",  just smile and wave...because you know I'm in this thing for the long haul...Have a great day!  - Barb

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If the wig fits, wear it! (Or, Not...)

I was blessed with really thick, curly hair, as a child.  In fact, I remember many attempts to straighten it, as a teen.  One attempt, in fact, almost cost me my long tresses...it involved an iron, ironing board, and a long phone call in the midst of my friend "ironing" my hair.  I don't think you ever forget the smell of burning hair...(Mind you, this was long before modern curling irons and ceramic straighteners.). Oops, I am giving away my age!

Another time, my mom, my sister, and I went to the beauty salon.  Of course, my mom got her usual "do",  my sister tried a perm, and I got my hair chemically straightened.  It turned out beautifully, but was a very expensive proposition to keep up.  As the years progressed, I spent many hours trying to make my hair look good, had tons of different hairstyles, used many hair curling/straightening tools, and changed my hair color (not always with rave reviews).  In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have wasted so much time on how I looked and should have accepted what God gave me with gratitude.

The first chemo drugs I received didn't cause me to lose my hair.  They merely made it thinner, and a bit more brittle.  When you are a cancer patient and receiving chemo, you Cannot use hair dyes.  This is one of the many things they don't tell you upfront, along with the fact that you can no longer go to the nail salon, due to the risk of infection.  Chemo basically destroys both the bad cells from the disease, and your body's immune system along with it.  Not a pretty picture, I'm afraid! Leaving you feeling awful and looking awful, too...

When my cancer returned after a short remission, we tried a new type of chemotherapy which caused me to lose my hair.  Slowly, at first, so I covered my head with scarves, caps, and hats.  I won't bore you with the nasty and annoying details.  Let's just say, you get to a point where it is more comfortable to have your head shaved.  It was a very emotional day for me, and of course, couldn't have come at a worse time, as my daughter's wedding was just weeks away...

Most people think it is easy to just go out and buy a wig, but I'm here to tell you that is Not true.  It does, however, give you the opportunity to try different hair colors and styles without being permanently stuck with the results.  My husband and I have joked about the "many moods of Barb", each one with her own unique hairstyle.  He always knows just how to make me laugh!  I thank God that we were blessed with a good sense of humor.

The truth is that wigs are expensive, uncomfortable, and can cause your head to both itch and perspire at will!  They sometimes feel too loose and if it's windy out, you could be chasing your wig in the parking lot at the mall (trust me, a true story here).  And, if they are too tight, watch out' 'cause a migraine is sure to be next.  They also make it hard to hug people because you can be left with your hair sideways on your head (have you ever seen Nathan Lane in the movie, The Birdcage?)...I giggle just thinking about it.

Anyway, wigs can be a blessing or a curse. My hair is just starting to come back in, which is a story for another day.  I feel like I am getting more confident about going out without a wig on.  If Joan Lunden can show off her completely bald head on the cover of People magazine, (where she looks absolutely beautiful,) then, I guess I can walk around with my closely shaved hair.  If you are on your own cancer journey, I hope you can find humor in my experiences and maybe feel more comfortable sporting whatever style makes you feel your best! Have A Blessed Day!  - Barb

Someone once said "Life is what happens when you've made other plans!" So true...

Funny how things work sometimes, isn't it?  This journey started for me in October, 2009, and believe me, it was NOT at all what I had in mind!  

My husband is always very punctual about everything; including medical tests.  I usually "try" to be on time, but as I have gotten older, that seems to have gotten harder and harder for me to do.  I am ALWAYS running a few minutes late!  (I can hear my daughters all snickering in the background as I type this.  Excuse me, while I remind all three of them, "I Know Where You Live!")

Anyway, I was somehow a year late to get my colonoscopy done.  I made every excuse in the book from not having time in my busy daily schedule to fit in the appointment, to having a sensitive gag reflex (which would make it difficult to drink the prep liquid), to feeling fine and not needing to have this test. Something inside me (call it a premonition or whatever you want) told me this was NOT a good idea and that something would inevitably go wrong...

Let me preface this by saying that I had been having strange symptoms for almost a year including anemia, unexplained weight gain/bloating, and muscle cramps, that my doctors couldn't explain.  I had also been through several tests plus a couple of blood transfusions. So, suffice it to say that my husband "dragged me kicking and screaming" (not really, but I was so nervous that I almost hyperventilated) into the Endoscopy/Colonoscopy Center.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated (go figure?), but somehow they were able to put me under the anesthesia and do the test.

As I slowly awoke, I realized that the doctor and my husband were both standing over me with concerned looks on their faces.  I was far too groggy to understand much of what was said, but we were told that they had found what looked like cancer in my colon and that surgery would be required.  It took me a few minutes to process this information.  I felt like I was in a dense fog, but when I realized the enormity of what I'd been told, it felt like the rug had been ripped out from under my feet!  

Anyone who has gone through something like this will tell you that you go through a myriad of emotions...everything from disbelief to fear to anger and beyond!  The emotion that has stayed with me from the beginning has been anger; at this disease and what it can take from you.  But, in a way that has been good, because that anger has given me the ability to fight like crazy to stay alive. The people who know me well, would tell you that I am a fighter to my very core and don't easily give up on anything.  I think that maybe that's one of the reasons I am still here, living with this disease.  

This journey has not all been about anger, though...It has been tempered with joy, surprises, love, and humor.  I have found that one of the things that gets me through the toughest times is my ability to laugh and find humor in some of the most difficult or overwhelming situations you can imagine!  I have found great comfort in that and in my faith.  

I hope you'll continue to follow me on this journey, 'cause I am in it for the Long Haul!  - Barb