I Put On My Makeup For This? Life Is Full Of Surprises!

My "journey" with this disease will have its 5 year anniversary later this month. (NOT exactly a cause for celebration!) Sometimes, I can hardly believe I've been in this fight for so long. Then, there are times where I feel like it just started yesterday. Last weekend, I listened to a speaker discussing the book she had written about her personal cancer journey and it reminded me of some of my own experiences...

Prior to starting with chemotherapy, I had a "port" surgically implanted in my chest wall. Compared to most of the things I have had to endure, that procedure was a "piece of cake"!  Of course, I was nervous on my first day of chemo; but my doctor, the lab technicians, and nurses at the oncology center are some of the most wonderful, caring people I have ever met!  They really helped to put me at ease, and made an uncomfortable situation not so scary, by explaining everything to me, as we went along. Several of the medications were administered to me through my chemo port while I was there. Then, I was "connected" to a "portable" pump which I was to "wear" home for approximately 48 hours.  When the alarm on the pump sounded, I had to return to the center to have it disconnected. Sounds fairly easy, right?

I can tell you that it is hard to sleep with a port that feels like a "Lego" block inside your chest, especially, if you are(or "were") a stomach sleeper!  As if that wasn't enough, the pump makes a "whooshing" sound about every 2 minutes.  Every time I tried to doze off, a loud Whoosh" woke me back up.  During the first night, my poor husband "slept" (I use the term "slept" loosely!) with his pillow wrapped around his ears!  Needless to say, it was over 48 hrs. before I was able to sleep, again.  Let me tell you that not much happens at my house in the middle of the night, so this was really boring, especially on the second night...I thought that pump alarm would NEVER ring soon enough!

Most of us have a morning ritual...Alarm goes off, you get out of bed, make the coffee, shower, get dressed, and so on.  It's a little more difficult when you are "connected" to a chemo pump that is NOT supposed to get wet!  The tubes from the pump are taped against your body and you can coil them around the pump unit which has its own little zippered "fanny pack".  To shower, you must cover the part attached to your port with plastic wrap taped to your skin or Press 'n' Seal (which I have found works wonders).  Under normal circumstances you just keep the fanny pack strapped over one arm. But, in order to take a shower, you virtually have to be a contortionist!  I had to uncoil the tubing and find a way to hang some of it over the shower door, without it being pulled ("OUCH") out of the tape.  Let's just say that I am Not Now, Nor Have I EVER Been a member of a Cirque d Soleil troupe and therefore, this stunt was almost impossible!

Another "fun" experience is waking up with hairs (yes, the ones that used to be on your head) stuck to your mouth.  When your hair starts falling out, the simplest things like sleeping on your pillow, can become really annoying; and sometimes comical. It's not bad at first, just a few clumps here and a few clumps there.  But, suddenly, you realize that you might as well wear a Hat to bed or just go ahead and shave your head!  Sadly, this phenomenon is not just isolated to the hair on your head.  Do you have any idea how quickly you can shower when you don't have to wash/condition your previously shoulder length hair and never have to shave your legs? Yes, I can say with all honesty, that I am the current record holder for the Fastest Shower in Texas, at 1.5 mins. to be exact!  (Just Kidding!)

Looking at my reflection in the mirror before my morning coffee was reminiscent of a scene from a horror movie!  You know how in those movies, the person wipes the steam off the mirror expecting to see their own reflection looking back at them? Okay, so there wasn't a slasher standing behind me, but the image in the mirror was definitely frightening!  The techniques I learned in my high school and college art classes DEFINITELY came in handy most days. After awhile, I got good at the "smoke and mirrors", as I call it, of putting on my face and "hair" (wig), to look as "normal" as possible.

I have had thinning eyebrows (first from overplucking as a teenager), and then, after some past radiation treatments...But the day you wake up and your eyebrows are on your pillow and no longer attached to your face, is a really freaky day!  Brow pencils and art training to the rescue, and viola, something resembling my "normal" reflection! Then, it happened...it began like any other morning, the usual hair and makeup routine, except when I went to put my mascara on and "curl" my lashes, there WERE NO LASHES THERE!  All I could think was "I Put On Makeup For This?" When there ARE NO LASHES, no matter how much eyeshadow or brow pencil you apply, something just doesn't look right!

Recently, I was told there would be no more chemotherapy treatments, as the chemo drugs were no longer working.  That was a scary day, but we have looked into some new possibilities for treatment, so things are status quo right now.  However, I can tell you, that no chemo drugs means the long awaited return of hair on my prevously bald head! And, with the return of my hair, I can once again use mascara on my thin, short, eyelashes.  My eyebrow pencils are now used for "filling in" a few bare spaces.  Which brings me to the day I ran around the house recently looking for a disposable razor to shave my legs! (I actually ventured into my daughter's bathroom. Okay, let's not go there!) Just kidding, honey! Remember, Mom loves you!

Soon, very soon, I hope to have enough hair on my head to actually brush through, and dry with a hair dryer...and, eventually, graduate to using the hair straightener that has been gathering dust for several years in the cabinet under my bathroom sink!  Life is full of surprises!  You never know what's going to happen next, or where life is going to take you...but, each and everyday, I am thankful that "I Put On My Makeup" for whatever comes my way! - Barb